Wishful thinking

I want to be a fully aware being.
Conscious when I sleep,
Active when I dream.

I want to know what is happening around me,
Continuously anticipating the consequence of any action.
I want to prevent deaths and heal peoples' troubles.
I want to remember everything and use this knowledge for my cause.
I want to tap into the secrets of the universe, receive the one truth and reach enlightenment.

Yes, I would be superhuman,
a being beyond any scope for growth
and thus, an idiot.

Time

A hard time to be. A time of many internal conflicts and many uncertainties. A time of confusion, awkwardness and radical change. One of those mega down times in the cycle of the huge yo-yo we call life. 

My world view has been shattered. I find myself torn between teleology and naturalism. What a stupid dilemma. I have completely lost my connection to the spiritual. I read back at my old astral-orientated entries and they look to me like ramblings of a mad man. The similarity to my mother's ramblings is remarkable, yet I have never been manic. What was the meaning of that extremely spiritual period I had been through? A chemical imbalance in the brain or a true connection with the otherwordly? Is there a difference between the two? Having seen my mum enter states of hyper-religiosity it is hard for me now to see my own experiences as authentic. 
Having lost my connection with her I seem to have lost a connection with everyone. Everything and everyone feel so alien. I have gone from empathy to apathy. I look at people and I see blanks. I can only feel small sparks from the people dearest to me: polz, gers, irene, dad, charles. I am clearly blocked. My communication centre is completely closed. I can barely talk or share anything. I am constantly and continuously sad. Waking life feels like a dream. It feels unreal and very slow. Days feel like centuries. Repetitive centuries – every day is the same. I find it very hard to get involved or care about everyday life and social interaction. All I want is to sleep. Only sleeping has become a nightmare. Anxiety dreams, horror dreams and mum-related dreams is all I have.

I have been through all this before with one major difference. Something is missing from my world. A void so huge has been left behind that I feel completely empty. I will slowly fill in this void with myself and until then I have to make sure it remains as clean as possible from negativity. I have to be patient. I have been crashed so many times in the past and have managed to rebuild myself, and so I will rebuild myself once more. I will surely come out of this stronger than ever, maybe even get my good spirits back once again. If something bad happens again I have to deal with it consciously. I shall not let myself unconsciously enter the loop again. I have to be always vigilant, awake and aware of my own responses and the things happening around me instead of passively taking everything. Easier said than done, but if there is something I learned is that people, including myself go through the motions of life and let themselves be carried by the stream of events around them. Only in retrospect can they see what happened, what they did and what they could have done. Of course you can never predict events, and life works in such a way that it takes you with it. If only there was a way to look at the system from a different perspective but without detaching yourself from all the important internal processes. To be continuously conscious of the internal and the external at same time, to have a birds-eye view of everything yet be inside every molecule – now that is a truly spiritual state. Perhaps all I am describing is a wake-up call. A call to let go of previous, negative or unnecessary patterns, a call to give birth to a brand new mrk. 

It is too early for me to make sense of everything that happened – let alone all the things I am thinking. What I know is that I have to venture into the internal world, and take a good, long hard glance at myself inside out.

Partial Acceptance

She is gone. I will never see her again. Acceptance. This is the general message from the guide to bereavement from suicide by the nhs. It has been lying around on my desktop for quite a while now, and everytime I read it, I find myself relating to it more and more. The first time I read it, I couldn't even go past the contents page. The second time I found I was going through some of the standard experiences listed in the document, especially shock, numbness, guilt, despair but still it was too painful to read the whole thing. Today I finally read it and found that I have gone through every stage and emotion listed in there. I was relieved to see that what is listed as "searching" - which involves seeing the dead person everywhere and thinking that you may be going mad - is a normal symptom. 


Most notably the only emotion I have experienced the least is anger. I simply cannot feel angry towards a person that was going through so much pain. I can barely live with the pain I am experiencing now, so I cannot even imagine how she even survived through all that before putting an end to it. I have never once thought how could she do this to us or try to find an answer to why she did it, things that Irene has suffered through. 


Everyone deals with it in their own way, and just like the nhs guide says I do find it very hurtful when people tell me what I should be feeling or doing, giving me advice or even worse, judging, as if they can possibly know what I am going through. I know people are just trying to be helpful but out of ignorance they might say the worst things. Again just like the nhs says there is nothing you can say really besides I am there for you and that is what I want and can only hear. I have probably only heard that once and it felt so warm inside. Mostly it has been ignored as people feel too awkward and don't want to upset me. It is funny though how the most typical phrases like I am sorry for your loss or our thoughts are with you and your family are also the most comforting. Basically the key is to keep it simple, any further analysis or advice can be just risky. The few people that I know that have lost a parent, including one that has lost a mother by suicide have told me the most beautiful and comforting things, the right things. I am nearing acceptance that is for sure. I will soon accept that she's gone and I will spend the rest of my life missing her. I am tired.

http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/help_and_support.htm

http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/poetry_and_prose.htm

Searching (psyche)

She is everywhere, in silhouettes of fuzzy women in long black coats, deceiving
red haired fringes and fleeting forms in the corner of my eye. She is ephemeral,
slipping from and into the nothingness of my desperately seeking mind.

I fantasise about joining her in death: a car accident, a stabbing
in a dark alley, a terrorist bombing with only one casualty.
It is always a solitary death, just like hers. These are not suicidal thoughts,
only a little daydreaming of a fortune-brought ending to my daily torture.

I would join her in a state of passive mind, consciousness shed,
forever dying but never dead. We'd slowly drift into the Park of asphodels, quick
phantoms sipping on sweet honeydew remembrance, loosely holding on to
the memory of a missed corporeal coexistence.

The closest place to death I can get to is sleep and sleep is my only desire.
I am comforted by these words.