(Summer time and the living’s not eazayyy
Summer is coming to an end. At last. Have to admit, from a mental state point of view, these holidays were much needed. I have finally started to actually live with myself. The past few years had stripped me completely from all kind of contact with my self; I had in effect, forgotten who I was. And I must say, rediscovering myself this year has been quite eventful. Frustrating to say the least. But I think I’m now reaching some sort of plateau, I’m starting to accept me the way I am – and self-acceptance is a big step. I’m not saying I have achieved it but I’m definitely closer than before. It might be a part of growing up as well, but I’m trying to cultivate this virtue – and hopefully thus, acquire the virtue of accepting others. )
Causality -» Astrality -» Pain
I’ve been reading in my SUPERCONSCIOUSNESS book, the most beautiful thing… something very similar to my THEOPTOSIS story, about how things started. First came ideas and thoughts-forms (causal plane), which in their turn created light and energy (the astral plane) which then filtered down to matter. “The astral plane is a projection of specific ideas that were conceived in the causal plane. Similarly the material universe is a projection of special forms of light and energy from the astral plane” (holograms again) It continues on to say how the astral plane is very similar to ours, but because of the absence of density of matter, it is possible for consciousness and energy to be separated into different distinct spheres. Things don’t mix there, everything is miraculously where it belongs, things are clearer lets say. Whole planets there have their own vibrational individuality. I don’t know, but for me that sounds very appealing. I would imagine being more attracted to a causal plane rather than an astral plane, but then again she is in another dimension. For me the astral plane sounds very much like Planet Markoula; I really feel a great attraction for this concept. Maybe when I do get there, I will crave for even higher planes of existence, but lets get there first and we’ll see about that later.
Passive Aggressive Personality
It is also quite obvious to me that this order of creation – causal -» astral -» physical (an oversimplification), works in a very perverted non-scale. In other words, it not only explains the process of the mega-universe, but it also explains the process of the mind; hence the individual is the mind, and the mind is the individual. This is quite a finite theory, as it has a beginning and end, but its nature to loop makes it infinite. In effect, there is no beginning or end, each plane is a product of each other, infinitely replacing one another. There’s nothing ‘out there’, it’s all ‘here’. Where? “No where”. It is just up to the mind/universe to choose its viewpoint: It may choose to be a snail the one day and an astral god the next. I could choose to be infinite reality and then become a mountain range. How? Cause it is all these things at the same time. So why hustle ourselves with spiritual/philosophical/theoretical extravaganzas, when we are god anyway? Well, remember that this process of ‘exchange’ is as active as it is passive. From a mega-universe point of view – which is more like the point of view of “the Observer” this would seem as a passive process, as passive as an innermost thought can be. Yet this thought is granted so much energy from the whole, that makes it a very active process. So again you don’t have a choice whether you will follow a certain path (spiritual, philosophical, Christian, lifestyle etc), at some point you will have to; such is the requirement of this passive-aggressive progression. [see Reflective Consciousness]
Papa don’t preach
I somehow (like to) believe that I have reached that stage in the life-course where it is my time to progress. I feel barely any attraction for this material world, something is pulling me to move away. Father always told me, since I was kid, that he felt I was much older than him, not in human years, but in life years. Perhaps it was his continuous reiteration of this, that made me always believe that I was indeed an old spirit trapped in a kid’s body. We both had had dreams and lucid visions of other worlds, pulling each other up and up to higher planes – and both saw them with a sense of melancholy and nostalgia. Although he has abandoned meditation lately, father remains the depressive-cynic he has always been, he shares with me the frustration of being in a world he has nothing in common with, the nihilism of it all, the futility. He feels repulsed by humans, he says he “can’t stand the filth and smell and pain,” and hates himself for being one of them. An InTp himself, and a Pisces – it is quite amazing how much alike we are. Has this paragraph just asserted my appreciation for daddy-poo? Woops.
Tuesday 30 August 2005
Thursday 25 August 2005
INTP
Me in a nutshell: CLICK HERE
So like, yeah, the accuracy of this essay is incredible. There’s not one sentence that I completely disagree with. In fact there are only around 2-3 sentences in this essay I had to think about, the rest are just blunt “duh” facts about my personality. It’s good to know that only around 1% of the population is InTp, that would explain a lot of things… I can’t help making a comparison to the Human Categories I was talking about in the previous entry. Perhaps this 1% compromises mostly of the higher level people that is the “spiritual leaders”, or perhaps not. I can’t find a way to factually collate the two, but it is an interesting coincidence I must say…
I won’t go into the cliché of talking about the implications of this InTp thing, like “would this mean we’re robots, functioning on some kind of chaotic pattern?” or “could we introduce a social system that encapsulates all this, leading to socio-psychological harmony?” The important question is: could this mean that perhaps we have allowed ourselves to function within these boundaries, transforming us into total subordinates of our own mind?
Human Frequency pattern
Recognising and observing our very own actions and reactions within this framework is certainly a step forward… but Observation and Analysis are the very essence of my InTp personality so what the fuck? Then again, the essence of meditation is discovering your boundaries in order to surpass them. Remember those stupid circles I was making for Karmic breakthroughs? That’s what I’m talking about. Again. And lets thank CG Jung for this cool theory of his – an InTp himself… It is very obvious that human consciousness is in fact just a frequency – and a frequency can only but be a distinct pattern. Can we shift this frequency, for our own personal amusement? If we don’t then that would make us some very complicated machine, perhaps a very failed alien experiment left on earth in its own misery; a futile replicating creature that has no real purpose but to perpetuate its own fleeting kind. Perhaps that is the case – but since I have taken up the rather comical disposition that we in fact do have a soul, then YES you can shift this consciousness and go to other worlds, and meet fairies and unicorns and little green men, and break into infinite masses of light, and become eternal love and so on. Then again, whom am I kidding?
Evolution Revolution Love
See, such is the fatalistic outcome of this personality type theory – that one cannot help but succumb to the predictability and simplicity of its argument. If we accepted the fact that yes, we are robots, we work in such and such way, the following patterns apply, and these are the boundaries of our understanding and intelligence, then life would be easier right? But noooo. Life is hard. You have to work hard. You have to move on and advance. I seriously doubt it if people advance in any substantial level during their lifetime to be honest. I just wonder whether even trying to advance is futile in this patterned predictable world. But then again, perhaps the whole thing is just subject to evolution – and maybe, just maybe, these minorities of people like the InTp’s or the EnTj’s, or the ‘spiritual leaders’, represent the small mutation within the human framework that might potentially ignite an evolutionary revolution –or meltdown. My highly developed iNtuition – is aiding my superior yet Introverted function of Thinking to Perceive the most likely answer to this whole debate – Jung’s theory is in fact reinforcing everything I have been talking about this summer – another milestone towards kitsch nihilism.
So like, yeah, the accuracy of this essay is incredible. There’s not one sentence that I completely disagree with. In fact there are only around 2-3 sentences in this essay I had to think about, the rest are just blunt “duh” facts about my personality. It’s good to know that only around 1% of the population is InTp, that would explain a lot of things… I can’t help making a comparison to the Human Categories I was talking about in the previous entry. Perhaps this 1% compromises mostly of the higher level people that is the “spiritual leaders”, or perhaps not. I can’t find a way to factually collate the two, but it is an interesting coincidence I must say…
I won’t go into the cliché of talking about the implications of this InTp thing, like “would this mean we’re robots, functioning on some kind of chaotic pattern?” or “could we introduce a social system that encapsulates all this, leading to socio-psychological harmony?” The important question is: could this mean that perhaps we have allowed ourselves to function within these boundaries, transforming us into total subordinates of our own mind?
Human Frequency pattern
Recognising and observing our very own actions and reactions within this framework is certainly a step forward… but Observation and Analysis are the very essence of my InTp personality so what the fuck? Then again, the essence of meditation is discovering your boundaries in order to surpass them. Remember those stupid circles I was making for Karmic breakthroughs? That’s what I’m talking about. Again. And lets thank CG Jung for this cool theory of his – an InTp himself… It is very obvious that human consciousness is in fact just a frequency – and a frequency can only but be a distinct pattern. Can we shift this frequency, for our own personal amusement? If we don’t then that would make us some very complicated machine, perhaps a very failed alien experiment left on earth in its own misery; a futile replicating creature that has no real purpose but to perpetuate its own fleeting kind. Perhaps that is the case – but since I have taken up the rather comical disposition that we in fact do have a soul, then YES you can shift this consciousness and go to other worlds, and meet fairies and unicorns and little green men, and break into infinite masses of light, and become eternal love and so on. Then again, whom am I kidding?
Evolution Revolution Love
See, such is the fatalistic outcome of this personality type theory – that one cannot help but succumb to the predictability and simplicity of its argument. If we accepted the fact that yes, we are robots, we work in such and such way, the following patterns apply, and these are the boundaries of our understanding and intelligence, then life would be easier right? But noooo. Life is hard. You have to work hard. You have to move on and advance. I seriously doubt it if people advance in any substantial level during their lifetime to be honest. I just wonder whether even trying to advance is futile in this patterned predictable world. But then again, perhaps the whole thing is just subject to evolution – and maybe, just maybe, these minorities of people like the InTp’s or the EnTj’s, or the ‘spiritual leaders’, represent the small mutation within the human framework that might potentially ignite an evolutionary revolution –or meltdown. My highly developed iNtuition – is aiding my superior yet Introverted function of Thinking to Perceive the most likely answer to this whole debate – Jung’s theory is in fact reinforcing everything I have been talking about this summer – another milestone towards kitsch nihilism.
Thursday 18 August 2005
THEOPTOSIS
STAGE 1: Narcissistic Self-Organisation
MRK was once just part of the cosmic sea, a molecule tightly integrated in the mega-process. With no individuality or identity he performed his daily task like all other molecules around him, and was granted a satisfaction beyond language. Suddenly, he was able to focus, not at the major picture but at his own entity. From then point he realised he was a point, time was born. Although still ambiguous as a sensation, time started making sense, thoughts started having an order, and he gradually realised how he was transcending from past to future rather than living in the present. Soon he had multiplied from a single point to a multitude of different points on the timeline. From then on, his nihilistic singularity was replaced with the company of his multiple selves, and his attention was slowly shifting from the major picture to the minor picture: the infinite reflections of his own self. These copies of himself he quickly rationalised as memories, and as these memories accumulated and swiftly multiplied, so did his perceptions solidify. Soon, he became a self-organising thought-process, able to create its own images, thoughts and concepts. He realised infinity, zero and space. He realised that the other molecules around him had an entity of their own and soon the combination of these concepts led to the creation of matter. Although matter had begun as a concept of his self-organising nature, a way to visualise things, soon he became quite accustomed to visualising rather than being. And as his surrounding molecules began to take form, he felt tremendous unity with them, as he knew that they were still part of the same thing, abiding to the concept of sticking together, or love. But as his self-image grew and grew, so did his desire to break this unity and return back to infinity. And here lies his big mistake. Instead of realising that infinity could only come about if he intensified this love until he became one with everything again, he tried to create boundaries between him and the others, breaking free from the inevitable attraction between them. He had, in fact, fallen in love with himself.
STAGE 2: Material Transmutation
The moment he killed love, matter completely engulfed him and he felt pain for the first time. He couldn’t see anything except eternal blackness, and he felt his infinite divinity flowing imprisoned within the hard reality of matter. Suddenly he saw light, but this was no ordinary light, it caused him pain instead of gratitude, and as things became clearer he saw that he not only had imprisoned himself within material mucus, but he was also imprisoned in an obscene material world. He tried to get out of these material bounds that caused him nothing but discomfort, but all he could utter were the sounds of an awful screaming creature. He realised he had lost the ability to look at the major picture and was engulfed within a world of his own imaginings, governed by rules he had created himself – indeed the only way he could retreat from the unifying nature of the mega-process was to immerse himself into a new reality where this unification would not be a requirement. He saw – through a limited view angle – other singularities within this imaginary world. Were these ugly creatures his own imaginings or were they others like him who had retreated into the same fantasy world? To his surprise, he still felt love in the environment, these creatures were capable of it, so they must have been real right? But other feelings swept into the scene as well, both negative and positive – did he manage to also fragment love into little pieces? He felt cruelty and pity for himself, feelings that were once so embedded within love they were indistinguishable, yet now they had a singularity of their own. The horror!
STAGE 3: Complete Annihilation
This new order of things he found himself in, was so much more simplified than the mega-process that it almost did not make sense. The creatures and environment of this world seemed to abide to peculiar rules, that seemed to have sprung from their own tendency to self-organise. This world was itself a self-organising universe where made up processes such as gravity and electricity ruled over matter which in itself ruled over consciousness. Real processes like love had become hidden, fragmented and subjective. The chaotic was replaced with the ordered, even perception was put under a very limiting order. And the most tragic of it all, all these creatures were aware of their own fantasy yet all insisted on its reality. MRK was different than them in one aspect, he always realised and verbalised the falseness of it all, he never once felt that this was the real thing, he could see the plasticity and translucency of matter, he could see that his body was just a package, and early on he could also fly. By the age of 8 he had already written two books, created hundreds of artworks, poetry, and was in touch with helpful beings from other dimensions. Through these creations he hoped he would give a wake-up call to all people who ignored their true nature. Human drama never concerned him, nor did human emotions, he realised how vulgar and crude were these expressions of matter and he refused to become part of it. Many lives have passed since, but still MRK is venturing in the realms of creation and expansion of his consciousness. One day he will return back, and he will be no more.
MRK was once just part of the cosmic sea, a molecule tightly integrated in the mega-process. With no individuality or identity he performed his daily task like all other molecules around him, and was granted a satisfaction beyond language. Suddenly, he was able to focus, not at the major picture but at his own entity. From then point he realised he was a point, time was born. Although still ambiguous as a sensation, time started making sense, thoughts started having an order, and he gradually realised how he was transcending from past to future rather than living in the present. Soon he had multiplied from a single point to a multitude of different points on the timeline. From then on, his nihilistic singularity was replaced with the company of his multiple selves, and his attention was slowly shifting from the major picture to the minor picture: the infinite reflections of his own self. These copies of himself he quickly rationalised as memories, and as these memories accumulated and swiftly multiplied, so did his perceptions solidify. Soon, he became a self-organising thought-process, able to create its own images, thoughts and concepts. He realised infinity, zero and space. He realised that the other molecules around him had an entity of their own and soon the combination of these concepts led to the creation of matter. Although matter had begun as a concept of his self-organising nature, a way to visualise things, soon he became quite accustomed to visualising rather than being. And as his surrounding molecules began to take form, he felt tremendous unity with them, as he knew that they were still part of the same thing, abiding to the concept of sticking together, or love. But as his self-image grew and grew, so did his desire to break this unity and return back to infinity. And here lies his big mistake. Instead of realising that infinity could only come about if he intensified this love until he became one with everything again, he tried to create boundaries between him and the others, breaking free from the inevitable attraction between them. He had, in fact, fallen in love with himself.
STAGE 2: Material Transmutation
The moment he killed love, matter completely engulfed him and he felt pain for the first time. He couldn’t see anything except eternal blackness, and he felt his infinite divinity flowing imprisoned within the hard reality of matter. Suddenly he saw light, but this was no ordinary light, it caused him pain instead of gratitude, and as things became clearer he saw that he not only had imprisoned himself within material mucus, but he was also imprisoned in an obscene material world. He tried to get out of these material bounds that caused him nothing but discomfort, but all he could utter were the sounds of an awful screaming creature. He realised he had lost the ability to look at the major picture and was engulfed within a world of his own imaginings, governed by rules he had created himself – indeed the only way he could retreat from the unifying nature of the mega-process was to immerse himself into a new reality where this unification would not be a requirement. He saw – through a limited view angle – other singularities within this imaginary world. Were these ugly creatures his own imaginings or were they others like him who had retreated into the same fantasy world? To his surprise, he still felt love in the environment, these creatures were capable of it, so they must have been real right? But other feelings swept into the scene as well, both negative and positive – did he manage to also fragment love into little pieces? He felt cruelty and pity for himself, feelings that were once so embedded within love they were indistinguishable, yet now they had a singularity of their own. The horror!
STAGE 3: Complete Annihilation
This new order of things he found himself in, was so much more simplified than the mega-process that it almost did not make sense. The creatures and environment of this world seemed to abide to peculiar rules, that seemed to have sprung from their own tendency to self-organise. This world was itself a self-organising universe where made up processes such as gravity and electricity ruled over matter which in itself ruled over consciousness. Real processes like love had become hidden, fragmented and subjective. The chaotic was replaced with the ordered, even perception was put under a very limiting order. And the most tragic of it all, all these creatures were aware of their own fantasy yet all insisted on its reality. MRK was different than them in one aspect, he always realised and verbalised the falseness of it all, he never once felt that this was the real thing, he could see the plasticity and translucency of matter, he could see that his body was just a package, and early on he could also fly. By the age of 8 he had already written two books, created hundreds of artworks, poetry, and was in touch with helpful beings from other dimensions. Through these creations he hoped he would give a wake-up call to all people who ignored their true nature. Human drama never concerned him, nor did human emotions, he realised how vulgar and crude were these expressions of matter and he refused to become part of it. Many lives have passed since, but still MRK is venturing in the realms of creation and expansion of his consciousness. One day he will return back, and he will be no more.
Wednesday 10 August 2005
Ode to Polz
Poly
Poly you are the best
Poly you are my crest
Poly shine bright
You are never trite.
Without you I am nothing
You are everything
Poly you are me.
Poly you are the best
Poly you are my crest
Poly shine bright
You are never trite.
Without you I am nothing
You are everything
Poly you are me.
Meet Poly, one of my multiple personalities. Big tits, red hair. Likes to be touched. Likes to be loved. A genius undoubtedly, with a vast knowledge and practice in philosophical realms. She is the Earth Mother, water running through her veins. She is one with nature and all things beautiful and pure. She is made out of pure love and sex. She is good and caring yet strict and fair, a Goddess of fertility, wisdom and emotion. She is what I am not, she is me.
a poem
You are NOTHING
You mean NOTHING
You’re worth NOTHING
You know NOTHING
You have NOTHING
Kittenz are EVERYTHING.
You mean NOTHING
You’re worth NOTHING
You know NOTHING
You have NOTHING
Kittenz are EVERYTHING.
Tuesday 9 August 2005
Voices in my head
The Informers
From Michael Talbot’s Holographic Universe: “When the main focus of a person’s consciousness is on the material world, the frequencies of their energy field tend to be in the lower range… 250 pcs… people who are psychic or who have healing abilities have frequencies of roughly 400 pcs to 800 pcs… people who can go into trance and apparently channel other information sources through them, skip these ‘psychic’ frequencies entirely and operate in a narrow band between 800 pcs and 900 pcs. They don’t have any psychic breadth at all… they’re up there in their own field. It’s narrow. It’s pinpointed, and they are literally almost out of it.” This group of people is what I call “The Informers” and I believe to be one of them.
Chicken voices in my head
This is as exciting as frightening for me. I have had the ability to channel information since I was a child sometimes willingly and sometimes completely unconsciously. When I am inspired to create something, a work of art, a drawing, a piece of prose etc., I feel the inspiration flowing through me in a very orderly fashion, in the appearance of sequential images almost like a movie. I feel that someone is dictating this information to me, someone from a higher level, perhaps a super-me, and this dictation, although very structured and non-whimsical, cannot be explained in human terms. It is like I perceive it in a higher state of mind, and then it is filtered through the much inferior brain, that only manages to pick bits and pieces that are then further filtered into even less refined works of art etc. The scary part is that whenever I have one of these inspirational revelations, I also get sound effects that come with the images. This is no divine music or a choir of angels in the conventional way, but it sounds more like the high pitched screams of a female person, that are infinitely echoed so that it sounds like a thousand women screaming in my head. I have given a lot of names to these voices, such as “the chicken voices in my head” (from Radiohead’s Paranoid Android) and the woman, that I consider my muse since she always accompanies these inspirations, is called Sarah for various weird reasons.
When I was a child I would listen to these voices very frequently, sometimes their duration could span a whole day and they would even continue during my sleep, which led to my chronic insomnia. As a child I was very afraid of these inexplicable voices and of course I was equally afraid to tell anyone. I once told mother which she dismissed as ‘nothing’. When I was around 10, the voices stopped and I stopped creating. I don’t know which came first, but I think it was due to my own decision that I was worthless as a creator that brought the voices to an end. Soon I was convinced that they were the imaginings of a child, and completely forgot about them. 5-6 years later, I resume creation with a vengeance – I am writing prose and poetry, I paint, illustrate, sculpt and photograph – I start writing my own cosmologies, religious theories etc. Suddenly one day as I am taking pictures of a quite mediocre sculpture of a shamanic Eskimo mask I had made, Sarah also returns with a vengeance. Her voice is so intense and deafening I can barely stand on my feet, so I lie down and try to make it go away. I instantly recognise what it is and get an extensive flashback of my childhood and my experiences with it. The intense screams settled after half an hour, but the echo remained. This echo is very important as it may last for hours, and it completely distorts any external sound, making music for example, unbearable to listen to.
Obviously, I thought I was mad and if not mad, then definitely possessed by the devil, since this was no pleasant sound. Every time it would commence, I would cry and beg her to go away, but she would only leave whenever she saw fit, I had no control whatsoever. After many visits, I realised that Sarah would only emerge when I was close to making an inspirational breakthrough. When I have a very vague thought-idea-image in my head it’s like a knot tightly tied in my brain and then suddenly BAM it’s untied and opens up to release the sequence of images and ideas that I will later create – this is what I mean with inspirational breakthrough. And Sarah always seems to appear in these occasions. Thing is, she will choose to appear only in certain inspirations, and when she does appear, I now consider it a good sign, something like a ‘thumbs up’ to what I am doing.
Because of the punctuality of her appearances, that is, she only appears in these moments of creativity and not in any other random moment, I have deduced that I am not as mad as I think (maybe partly) but also perhaps partly gifted. I prefer to view it again as the sides of the same coin, I am as mad as I am gifted since they’re the same thing in the end of the day.
Super-me
Besides Sarah, I have contact with yet another ‘informer’ that I regard as my Super-Ego (see Freud). While Sarah is involved in communicating to me seemingly new images that involve inspiration and creation and reassuring me that I’m on the right path, my Super-ego communicates to me TRUTHS. He presents to me concepts which he then backs-up with evidence and facts, so clearly that there is no room for argument. These concepts I receive as pure thought-forms, so complicated and elaborate that language fails to express them. As you might have noticed in some of my trances I have difficulty explaining the concepts simply because they go beyond any language, even Greek. When the Super-Ego is presenting me with evidence and facts though, they take form of sequential moving images, something like a flashback meets David Lynch sort of thing.
The Guardians
One of the most intense communications with my Super-ego that I remembered last night, happened during meditation. I had just broken up with George at the time and as I was deeply disturbed by this break-up, it was always in the back of my head even during intense meditation. At some point I felt going into a deep state of trance and my eyes rolled up and were flickering back and forth, then a voice in my head emerged (using the world ‘voice’ very loosely) and started explaining to me the most peculiar of things. It said that sometimes when people go through intense psychological trauma (see The Mother suicides) they psychically summon a person, something like a guardian angel to come and protect them and help them through it. It went on to explain and prove with evidence and facts how I had summoned George into existence and how he was in fact central to my survival during those awful years. When his duty was over, so was our relationship, and I was adviced that now it was time to learn to stand on my own. This by no means suggests that George just materialised out of thin air or that he was a spirit of some sort, but in a way, at least metaphorically, he was.
Spinning visions
Interestingly enough, the same concept of summoning ‘guardians’ into our lives was revealed to my mother through meditation almost 6 years before I was revealed the same thing. During her meditation she had a vision (she usually sees visions/metaphors as opposed to the thought-process I receive) that she was flying through a meteor shower with enormous speed towards a huge planet. When she ‘crashed’ on the planet (which was itself covered in crystal clear water) she saw a spinning Yin & Yang disc in front of her. The disc asked her to pose a question, and she asked how she could help her son (she was worried about me at the time as I was in deep depression), the disc gave her the same answer my super-ego had given me about guardian-people and explained to her that a person she had met in her past was her own summoned guardian. She told me of her vision the next morning, which baffled me at the time since I found it to be completely irrelevant but at the same time it made complete sense to me. Did my super-ego reiterate the same concept mother had experienced so many years before? Is this some universal truth?
It is also very important to note that during my contact with my super-ego, I wasn’t a passive observer of the explanation, I was questioning everything he was saying, although instantly I would get an answer that had no room for further argument. What’s also very important is the fact that although in this encounter I was the one posing the questions, I was also the one giving the answers. It was quite clear to me that this answer-giving self was as much part of me as my question-giving self, which makes you wonder, exactly how many selves to we have after all? A further spin on the whole multiple personalities thing (see Multi-personalities.)
One might argue that this experience was just a reflex of my consciousness, a rationalisation of some sort, so that I would get over George. Well, first it didn’t help me at all get over him (I finally did 6-8 months due to a healing power called cynicism), secondly even if it was just a protective reflex, the reality it portrayed is as equally valid as its non-reality and thirdly, my super-ego tells me things quite irrelevant to my psyche – or does it? The matter is quite complicated but it boils down to the same thing again: insanity or spirituality? The line is very thin.
From Michael Talbot’s Holographic Universe: “When the main focus of a person’s consciousness is on the material world, the frequencies of their energy field tend to be in the lower range… 250 pcs… people who are psychic or who have healing abilities have frequencies of roughly 400 pcs to 800 pcs… people who can go into trance and apparently channel other information sources through them, skip these ‘psychic’ frequencies entirely and operate in a narrow band between 800 pcs and 900 pcs. They don’t have any psychic breadth at all… they’re up there in their own field. It’s narrow. It’s pinpointed, and they are literally almost out of it.” This group of people is what I call “The Informers” and I believe to be one of them.
Chicken voices in my head
This is as exciting as frightening for me. I have had the ability to channel information since I was a child sometimes willingly and sometimes completely unconsciously. When I am inspired to create something, a work of art, a drawing, a piece of prose etc., I feel the inspiration flowing through me in a very orderly fashion, in the appearance of sequential images almost like a movie. I feel that someone is dictating this information to me, someone from a higher level, perhaps a super-me, and this dictation, although very structured and non-whimsical, cannot be explained in human terms. It is like I perceive it in a higher state of mind, and then it is filtered through the much inferior brain, that only manages to pick bits and pieces that are then further filtered into even less refined works of art etc. The scary part is that whenever I have one of these inspirational revelations, I also get sound effects that come with the images. This is no divine music or a choir of angels in the conventional way, but it sounds more like the high pitched screams of a female person, that are infinitely echoed so that it sounds like a thousand women screaming in my head. I have given a lot of names to these voices, such as “the chicken voices in my head” (from Radiohead’s Paranoid Android) and the woman, that I consider my muse since she always accompanies these inspirations, is called Sarah for various weird reasons.
When I was a child I would listen to these voices very frequently, sometimes their duration could span a whole day and they would even continue during my sleep, which led to my chronic insomnia. As a child I was very afraid of these inexplicable voices and of course I was equally afraid to tell anyone. I once told mother which she dismissed as ‘nothing’. When I was around 10, the voices stopped and I stopped creating. I don’t know which came first, but I think it was due to my own decision that I was worthless as a creator that brought the voices to an end. Soon I was convinced that they were the imaginings of a child, and completely forgot about them. 5-6 years later, I resume creation with a vengeance – I am writing prose and poetry, I paint, illustrate, sculpt and photograph – I start writing my own cosmologies, religious theories etc. Suddenly one day as I am taking pictures of a quite mediocre sculpture of a shamanic Eskimo mask I had made, Sarah also returns with a vengeance. Her voice is so intense and deafening I can barely stand on my feet, so I lie down and try to make it go away. I instantly recognise what it is and get an extensive flashback of my childhood and my experiences with it. The intense screams settled after half an hour, but the echo remained. This echo is very important as it may last for hours, and it completely distorts any external sound, making music for example, unbearable to listen to.
Obviously, I thought I was mad and if not mad, then definitely possessed by the devil, since this was no pleasant sound. Every time it would commence, I would cry and beg her to go away, but she would only leave whenever she saw fit, I had no control whatsoever. After many visits, I realised that Sarah would only emerge when I was close to making an inspirational breakthrough. When I have a very vague thought-idea-image in my head it’s like a knot tightly tied in my brain and then suddenly BAM it’s untied and opens up to release the sequence of images and ideas that I will later create – this is what I mean with inspirational breakthrough. And Sarah always seems to appear in these occasions. Thing is, she will choose to appear only in certain inspirations, and when she does appear, I now consider it a good sign, something like a ‘thumbs up’ to what I am doing.
Because of the punctuality of her appearances, that is, she only appears in these moments of creativity and not in any other random moment, I have deduced that I am not as mad as I think (maybe partly) but also perhaps partly gifted. I prefer to view it again as the sides of the same coin, I am as mad as I am gifted since they’re the same thing in the end of the day.
Super-me
Besides Sarah, I have contact with yet another ‘informer’ that I regard as my Super-Ego (see Freud). While Sarah is involved in communicating to me seemingly new images that involve inspiration and creation and reassuring me that I’m on the right path, my Super-ego communicates to me TRUTHS. He presents to me concepts which he then backs-up with evidence and facts, so clearly that there is no room for argument. These concepts I receive as pure thought-forms, so complicated and elaborate that language fails to express them. As you might have noticed in some of my trances I have difficulty explaining the concepts simply because they go beyond any language, even Greek. When the Super-Ego is presenting me with evidence and facts though, they take form of sequential moving images, something like a flashback meets David Lynch sort of thing.
The Guardians
One of the most intense communications with my Super-ego that I remembered last night, happened during meditation. I had just broken up with George at the time and as I was deeply disturbed by this break-up, it was always in the back of my head even during intense meditation. At some point I felt going into a deep state of trance and my eyes rolled up and were flickering back and forth, then a voice in my head emerged (using the world ‘voice’ very loosely) and started explaining to me the most peculiar of things. It said that sometimes when people go through intense psychological trauma (see The Mother suicides) they psychically summon a person, something like a guardian angel to come and protect them and help them through it. It went on to explain and prove with evidence and facts how I had summoned George into existence and how he was in fact central to my survival during those awful years. When his duty was over, so was our relationship, and I was adviced that now it was time to learn to stand on my own. This by no means suggests that George just materialised out of thin air or that he was a spirit of some sort, but in a way, at least metaphorically, he was.
Spinning visions
Interestingly enough, the same concept of summoning ‘guardians’ into our lives was revealed to my mother through meditation almost 6 years before I was revealed the same thing. During her meditation she had a vision (she usually sees visions/metaphors as opposed to the thought-process I receive) that she was flying through a meteor shower with enormous speed towards a huge planet. When she ‘crashed’ on the planet (which was itself covered in crystal clear water) she saw a spinning Yin & Yang disc in front of her. The disc asked her to pose a question, and she asked how she could help her son (she was worried about me at the time as I was in deep depression), the disc gave her the same answer my super-ego had given me about guardian-people and explained to her that a person she had met in her past was her own summoned guardian. She told me of her vision the next morning, which baffled me at the time since I found it to be completely irrelevant but at the same time it made complete sense to me. Did my super-ego reiterate the same concept mother had experienced so many years before? Is this some universal truth?
It is also very important to note that during my contact with my super-ego, I wasn’t a passive observer of the explanation, I was questioning everything he was saying, although instantly I would get an answer that had no room for further argument. What’s also very important is the fact that although in this encounter I was the one posing the questions, I was also the one giving the answers. It was quite clear to me that this answer-giving self was as much part of me as my question-giving self, which makes you wonder, exactly how many selves to we have after all? A further spin on the whole multiple personalities thing (see Multi-personalities.)
One might argue that this experience was just a reflex of my consciousness, a rationalisation of some sort, so that I would get over George. Well, first it didn’t help me at all get over him (I finally did 6-8 months due to a healing power called cynicism), secondly even if it was just a protective reflex, the reality it portrayed is as equally valid as its non-reality and thirdly, my super-ego tells me things quite irrelevant to my psyche – or does it? The matter is quite complicated but it boils down to the same thing again: insanity or spirituality? The line is very thin.
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