Overview '05

***XMAS SPECIAL***

So I’ve been having a pre-depression syndrome for quite a while now – and I’d been eagerly expecting the depression to come, but it wouldn’t which was really frustrating. But yes ladies and gentlemen!! The depression has arrived today!! Obviously Xmas Eve, my depressions really love special events, esp. Xmas and Birthdays. Why do I get depressed on these festive days? It’s really simple really, they’re just reminders of TIME. I mean, when you are living in your ordinary routine then there’s no real sense of time, as days, well, repeat themselves more or less. But then Xmas comes and you’re like… woah.. a year has passed – and what have I achieved? NOTHING. Or your Birthday comes and you’re like… woah… I am 22 and where am I? NOWHERE. And this is just the introspective part of festive seasons, wait till you get to the retrospective part… that’s a blast!! I don’t even have to think about past Xmases or past Birthdays as such – just the negative connotations these words have picked up over the years are enough. No this ain’t gonna be a retrospective entry – I don’t wanna look like I’m over-complaining.

The Xmas Spirit.
So, as I said, anniversaries are all about… TIME. Tic toc tic toc tic toc. And what best way to recap the year than reading ALL the blog from start to finish? So I have looked over myself this year – through the blog’s point of view at least – and I have noticed some universal themes in my writing. First and foremost, is purpose which is strongly related to the second theme which is the feeling of emptiness which is again closely related to the third theme which is the lack of meaning. Cynicism and sarcasm are also primary themes as well as hints of narcissism, grandiose/religious thinking, borderline disorder, addictive behaviour, miserabilia, triviality, asexuality or desexuality(*general aversion to sex, the act of being unsexed), nihilism, disillusionment, disappointment, anti-social/misanthropism, paranoia, anger, homophobia, heterophobia, racism, boredom, delusions, illusions, second-guessing, indecision, fatigue, suicidal tendencies, schizoid behaviour, attachment to pets, pre-occupation with past traumatic experiences. This last one is truly a downer – although I had made tremendous success in getting over things in a very intense “de-cynicism covered with cynicism” experience in 2004, I haven’t made any progress since. The stuff are well buried in my head and they keep poking at me. Poke poke poke. So annoying!! I do not want to think about it anymore, I do not want to be the person who experienced that, I do not want to be defined by that. But it just keeps coming up and its then when I realise that I am never going to get over this – and I’m never going to be normal – ever. And ok I mean, there’s nobody normal right? But you know what I mean… not so fucked up?

Be Positive (*cough*)
To balance the previous paragraph a bit, now I have to write down the positive things that happened this year. Shit. Let’s see… ok… I learned 3d which is cool, and generally my design abilities are getting better by the hour although I wish was better. I had something like a year of celibacy now? Is that a good thing? Hm.. umm.. I have become a bit more consistent with my meditations. I… brush my teeth twice or thrice a day now rather than once. I did work experience for a month and although it was very traumatising it’s good for my CV right? Ah… we discovered the Jung typology thing… that was fun. I enjoyed watching Star Trek the original series with Polz… Circus boy is moving along slowly but steadily… Shit I can’t do this!!!

Be Negative
Ok, that’s more like it. Let’s see… what BAD things happened this year?

MEN/SEX: Hahahahaa… That went well! Besides the most awful screws I had ever in my lifetime – there is also a slight possibility I got AIDS from Ugly guy #1, who basically sat on my cock while I was unconscious and then for a week after that I had the most weird fever. Then there was Carlos, or me trying to compromise and not have too many expectations from men or high standards… you might have noticed how I stopped talking about him, that’s because I stopped talking to him – I am such a bitch but there is no reason to complicate things, avoidance is the best policy in things like this. Obviously the worse was discovering that I have in fact become averse to sex. Now that pretty much solves the man situation doesn’t it? Well, not exactly – I am convinced that the right man will make me a bit sexual – at least for a while. God I’m such a girl.

BODY/MIND: Lol… fantastic I tell ya. Just read at this entry, I mean I’m oozing with positive energy!! Drugs ain’t helping… neither in my psychology nor in my physique – I am now officially spawning the crack-whore look.

WORK: After the one month work experience, I realised what it means to have a full-time job. And it’s awful, awful, awwwwful. I don’t wanna suffer for the rest of my life. Read more here.

SPIRITUAL ADVANCEMENT: Ok, I have made some progress this year on that, I came to understand some things that weren’t clear before and realised that this is the only possible path for me if I want to remain sane. BUT – I haven’t had any psychic revelations at all lately, and I haven’t heard voices in a loooong time. That’s worrying. Plus, I need to find a Master soon and I so can’t be bothered!

CREATIVITY: I have certainly become attached to creation – without that I wouldn’t have anything to do basically – so it’s basically what is keeping me alive. If I wasn’t a creator I would kill myself out of boredom – then again if I wasn’t a creator I would probably be a little bit more sociable. But yeah, I have come to appreciate its presence in my life and I have also appreciated my right hand, which is probably the most important part of my body.

PETS: Although the kitty was a great surprise and we love it to bits, the murder of my doggy kinda spoilt the fun :(((

Xmas FUN
Downstairs there’s people – people making Xmas dinner, and getting excited, watching tv, drinking, laughing etc. – I’m upstairs locked in my room. At some point I have to make a presence. But I have a plan!!! I am now smoking an ultra-huge spliff that will numb me as much as it is possible. I will go downstairs all smiley and cool like I have no other preoccupations in the world except make tzatziki. I will make the tzatziki and then sit with all the gang and laugh at their jokes, laugh at the TV’s jokes, make small talk, share our knowledge in celebrity outtakes and the shows we saw last night. In the mean time I will be slowly but steadily be pumping my organism with alcohol. A while before dinner I will be semi-tipsy and go up to my room for another shot of weed. The weed will help me to be hungry and enjoy the food while the alcohol will make me even more giggly. By the time we finish dinner I’d be so full, stoned and drunk that I will have opened my second pack of cigarettes. Smoking and drinking away, everyone will be finally pissed and happy. I will bring down the stash case and make an Xmas-sized spliff for everyone and then everyone will be stoooooned. Ok… I’m not even half way through the ultra-huge spliff and I’m already stoned as hell, so bye. Merry Xmas everyone!!!

-BOOK-

Tuesday the 13th, that’s an unlucky day where I come from, hence today I’m locked in the house. Anyway, I have a list of ideas for books that I plan to start writing on one point or another (like very long-term projects) and some that I have already started. The most recent one that I have started is the one about mother – a book I always wanted to write ever since my childhood just because she’s always been such a book character kind of person. Of course now in light with the more suicidal events the book has become even more dark and ugly, which is good obviously.

So… I’ve written some chapters, and I have laid out the first draft structure, and man its bleak! I don’t think anyone would read this, I mean chapters names like “Psychiatric Ward I” or “Hospital Bed II”, it’s some scary shit. Obviously the macabre themes will be balanced with a very cynic/sarcastic tone of voice – but cynicism in the end is what will make it even more miserable. But it is a very depressing story so maybe I should just play along? Or just scrap the whole thing. Would anybody read one of the most depressing stories of all time? It would make a good “The Hours” kind of movie, although that had a kind of good ending right? The Hours actually share some similarities with this story, I remember I was biting my nails when I was watching it. Suicidal mother, gay junkie son, suicidal mother escaping to a hotel room to kill herself, gay son finally killing himself. Nice movie indeed. Barfff!

Anyway, I’m going to start posting parts of the book when I feel like it, so watch this space. Share the misery!:)

siamese twins

So I was watching this thing on TV about Siamese twins that are attached on the head so their brains are kind of attached to each other. I mean its really freaky as it is – but there was this particular story that made such an impact.

It was these Siamese girls who are like the oldest Siamese twins alive around 44 years old, and who have, well, their heads stuck to each other. It gets pretty uncomfy as it is, but wait there’s more, one of the twins is impaired also, so the other one who is fine has to carry the other one around as she can’t walk at all. She’s also one fat-ass motherfucker, which means that the strong sister is very butch and muscular so she can carry the fat one. (they’re both fat but she’s like this weird kind of obesity, she looks like a pancake) Obviously this kind of relationship between siblings is quite fucked up. For example they play this game where the fat-ass one pretends to be a baby and the butch one pretends to be its mother – which clearly reflects their relationship also. The butch one is also quite antisocial whilst the impaired fat-ass one wants to have a career in singing (??) so she drags her poor sister around to gigs where she has to stand there STUCK on her sister while she sings hideously – and then she has to carry her back home. I mean what an unfortunate existence these two. It is indeed amazing how strong they are and how they are trying to lead as much ‘normal’ lives as they can.

Anyway, my point was imagine this people’s karma. I mean they have obviously plotted this whole thing from before – why would they choose such an existence? They obviously had a lover relationship in their previous life and this is the clarification of their relationship… but why so drastic measures? The whole symbolism of one having to carry the other one around is just biblical. The butch one is obviously paying more karma here while the other one is being taken care of. Forcing your very existence to be so intertwined with another clearly indicates a very concentrated karma – and a very radical one. They have chosen to be truly miserable, ugly, fat and freaks – and together they have chosen to go through this. Perhaps an example of twin souls gone wrong? Two souls trying to understand each other – to be one another – physically and literally. That is such a weird concept.

Miserabilia II

So there was this program just now on BBC2 about happiness – in scientific terms, and how to achieve it with scientific techniques based on said statistical data and psychological research. This is quite an interesting approach, but it lacks the very essence it is fighting against, the governing law of Miserabilia (MB). As Schopenhauer said, “The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.” And clearly whatever you do, these things will always remain there – no matter how much you try to relieve the pain, and occupy yourself so as to avoid boredom. Instead, you get this amoeboid multiplication, where the trials for relieving pain become pain themselves, and the occupations you put yourself in to avoid boredom, become boring. So it is quite a vicious circle, and a down-going. That is indeed the slow death.

Just watching this program was depressing, and it was about finding happiness! It was so depressing as the basic message that comes out of it is the opposite that it is venturing to transmit – it unwillingly and unwittingly reinforces the law of Miserabilia. That means, that whatever you do, however much you try you will still be miserable!

Science as Religion
The scientists at the program used various techniques to promote happiness in one of Britain’s statistically unhappy towns, Slough. Some of these psychologists/sociologists – almost seemed to be preaching the concept/state of happiness. This preaching almost, dare I say, had a religious quality to it signifying a sociological shift that has been on exponential rise ever since the 80s – socio-psychological science is establishing itself as a new religious organisation, based on ‘fact’ which is itself based on scientific research and statistical data. Since the advent of time, science has always falsely taken itself too seriously and regimentally, almost dogmatically which reinforces this religious aspect. The dogmatic nature of the concept of Happiness is what eventually diminishes its very point – as anything dogmatic is usually explained inadequately and pedantically – presenting itself as an unexplainable natural fact, and usually not based on clear logical form. For example, dictating that suicide is a bad thing is purely dogmatic for there is no clear explanation to why it is wrong to take one’s life – and usually refers back to traditionally religious influences translated into modern science.

Happiness is also a dogma itself in this sense, as it does not really exist – it is merely the temporary absence of misery. Moments of euphoria and good spirits are short memory and chemically induced states that can be simulated with various legal (and illegal) drugs. Excess use of these medicine lead to the very opposite though, showing how one follows the other, or how one always governs and perhaps, allows the other.

Statistical Inadequecies
Statistical data, of the kind presented by the scientists are not very convincing. People tend to lie to themselves on this matter, or even submerge themselves in a state of faux-happiness, general numbness or even histrionic avoidance. To get valid statistical data one must analyse each individual extensively, something that questionnaires cannot simply cover. According to MB, “misery is embedded within human existence” hence instead of looking for evidence and statistical data, science should focus more on the obvious and tangible, that is misery and pain. It is indeed the driving force, yet science embodies this obscene optimism influenced by dogmatic ‘faith’ and ‘hope’.

Scientific Ceremonies
In the program they used various scientific techniques to promote happiness in a small community that had a very ceremonial almost paganistic reflection. Singing publicly was one technique, promoting large groups of people and community consciousness is another technique proved to bring good results. Being in nature, dancing and tree-hugging supposedly helps. Scientists also believe that the greatest reason for unhappiness is the fear of death – so psychological therapy is used that aims to accustoming people with death and how it is a natural process while promoting a feeling of euphoria and gratefulness for being ‘alive’. Others introduce basic rules like smiling everyday and doing good deeds, having conversations with friends and partners and having a good laugh. Still, these techniques have a main flaw – they only work at a very superficial level whereas there is always an underlying MB factor that fuels the need for happiness. In fact one of the major contributing factors of MB is the mere struggle for that unattainable, idealistic happiness.

Trivial Triviality
Just like love, happiness is a trivial term manufactured by mankind to name the unreachable, the impossible, an ideal condition that can never be but is always sought for. And there lies the great tragedy of mankind that leads to its eventual downfall. That need for the impossible, the opposite, the unnatural, the ideal, the fatalistic, indeed the dogmatic. This need is what fuels life, it is its purpose. Without it one would have no reason to live – so we basically structure our whole lives around something that will never be or never was. A myth that keeps you going, just like love, God, wisdom, infinity etc.

Miserabilia vs. Triviality
The Miserabilia Law, takes things from a different perspective. Instead of promoting obscene lying towards one’s self and promising imaginary utopias – it suggests honesty and acceptance. It is ok to be miserable – there’s nothing you can do about it. You will never be happy, satisfied or content – that is just a fact of life. Accepting one’s MB will lead to a more calm, tolerant existence that is prepared for death, pain and misery, recognizing them as its natural necessary processes that aim for survival and spiritual growth. Indeed, there is a direct correlation of knowledge and happiness; the more knowledge and intelligence one obtains the more unhappy one is. This makes absolute sense – as knowledge grows so does the realisation of the MB factor. So one might say that yes, ignorance is bliss, but who in their right mind would choose ignorance over knowledge, despite the negative side effects?

Miserable-friendly society
MB promotes thirst for knowledge, thinking and logic and it aims to diminish trivial terms such as love, happiness, feeling, God, unless they are presented in an ironic context. The final form of advanced MB is therefore cynicism in its purest form, a power far much greater than the temporary trivial states of happiness and/or the obsessive compulsive behaviour for attaining happiness. In an MB society, suicide is widely accepted and promoted as a form of cleansing and rebirth. Suicide, though, in a fully regimented MB society is seen as an obstacle to the true purpose of life, that of knowledge and logic – and would therefore be avoided unless knowledge reaches a threshold of pure MB saturation. The state provides with leaflets and information on suicide, and government funded suicide centres are established where one can get suicide insurance and services. Suicide professionals prepare the applicants for a safe death, and arrange family group sessions where the applicant can explain and present his case. The applicant may then have the choice of euthanasia executed by himself or by a third party of his choice or a caring professional. Post-humous group sessions may also be arranged in cases of more applicants within a family. To maintain a stable work force, MB societies widely promote cloning, where an applicant might clone oneself or a partner. The clone receives equal rights as the applicant, and together they obtain a social contract with tax relief. Clone_parent relationships are introduced, where one can have a literally physical relationship with oneself, one learning from another, in a divide and conquer kind of strategy. A gloomy, purple society, with neon bats flying in the streets, and where the sun never rises. Large white statues cast shadows across the landscape and the buildings are all post-modern. All people are grumpy and perfectionists, but with a killer fashion sense. How fab!

autoSHRINK

In the not-so-very-far future, I will decide to go to a shrink. The name of the shrink will be Dr. Margaret. It is a woman obviously as I hate male shrinks – she’s around 35, pretty and motherly. She has quite a posh accent but is very accessible and ‘interested’. She always wears hues of green, and white flowery tops. Her make up is smooth and natural bringing out her beautiful eyes. Margaret ‘understands’. And she will be my new obsession/mother figure/mother-I-never-had type of thing with an obvious perverted sexual attraction towards her for at least a couple of years. This is how it will go. (add soothing female voice for DrM and detached robotic male voice for Mrk)

DrM: So why did you feel like you needed a… psychologist?

Mrk: I’m addicted to you guys, you give that false but wonderful feeling of reassurement and comfort.

DrM: You’ve seeked psychological help in the past?

Mrk: Well despite the fact that my mother was basically like my shrink during my childhood, I was first sent to professional “help” around the age of 15 to ‘cure’ my homosexuality. Obviously my parents needed the help and not me, but I used the time to talk about my general teenage problems and depression. Later on when my mother was going through a suicidal phase, I had to go through psychological support as well as disturbing group family sessions. When I arrived in England I quickly signed up on the university counselling service where I kind of got over the stuff with the suicides and all. And now you.

DrM: So your mother attempted suicide?

Mrk: Yes, a number of times. She took a box of Xanax, she tried to hang her self, slit her wrists, jump off several buildings, and burnt herself completely deforming her body.

DrM: (maintaining her calm) I am so sorry… That must have been a great burden for you.

Mrk: Yes, well, I’m getting over it and so is she.

DrM: How do you feel when you talk about it now?

Mrk: I still find it quite disturbing, but in a detached sort of way, like a very scary tv show that I watched 5 years ago and I still can’t get it completely off my head.

DrM: You don’t feel angry, or sad?

Mrk: No its just that general feeling of numbness, a bit sombre, gloomy…

DrM: So is there something that is bothering you now?

Mrk: Well it’s just that! That gloomy feeling that I have in my life. Kind of like a dark mist weighing down on me. The futility of it all.

DrM: You think that everything is futile?

Mrk: Well yea. I honestly don’t see the point in anything. Why work? Why live? I seem to have lost any objective or motive to go on. Yet I don’t mind living, it’s not that I want to die – if only there was some valid goal I could have my mind occupied with.

DrM: What would be a valid goal?

Mrk: Something that I feel has a purpose. A purpose for what? Can anything have a purpose? I’m confused.

DrM: You mean, you need something to keep you going, a purpose in life.

Mrk: Yes.

DrM: Isn’t there something that you feel strongly about, something you could pursue?

Mrk: Well I like creating. I create just for the sake of creating, for example this imaginary dialogue is a form of creation, but I may also draw, illustrate, write other more interesting stuff etc… But I don’t see creation as a purpose, I only see it as a means to procrastinate, fill all this empty time really.

DrM: Creation can be a very fulfilling experience.

Mrk: I know but only when you achieve recognition, and even then I will feel probably more empty than before.

DrM: You keep repeating the word empty.

Mrk: Yea it seems to run as a theme in this imaginary dialogue/monologue hybrid.

DrM: What about LOVE?

Mrk: (laughs hysterically)

DrM: (makes cutesy wondering look)

Mrk: Well, does it exist? It is more imaginary than this dialogue.

DrM: Time’s up I’m afraid. We will continue this another time.

Mrk: I LOVE YOU… ehm… I mean thank you heh.

DrM: That will be £180 please. (ed. inflation)

Mrk: I have it already in direct debit no worries.

DrM: Well, thank you very much Mrk it was very nice meeting you. (gives hand for handshake)

Mrk: (takes hand and affectionately caresses it) No, the pleasure was all mine Margaret.


Clearly, I miss a good ol’ shrink.

ASTROBOLLOX

This is my natal chart… it is very interesting isn’t it? Everything is concentrated in the last 5 signs, and especially Pisces and Aquarius. I have Piscean Sun, Lilith and second house, while I have Aquarian ascendant, Mercury and Venus! This makes quite a bizarre combination and if that wasn’t enough it is coupled with Capricorn Moon, Jupiter, Neptune and 9th house.

It seems I have a tendency to avoid the harsh realities either through escapist behavior or self-delusion. This leads to me retreating into my own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to myself ("Everybody’s Miserable!"). But these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity.

Ready to Aqua *******
“INTPs are introverted rationals like the Masterminds but use perceptivity instead of judgment as a preferred method of processing information. These rationals may fare better in the transition from Piscean to Aquarian Age as perceptivity is a quality of Pisces while judgment is a quality of Aquarius.” My powerful Pisces-Aquarius combo – signifies just that – the transition from Piscean to Aquarian. This means that I am in tune with the change of times that earth is going through right now. The difference being that my ascendance in comparison to earth’s ascendance is much more rapid due to scale obviously, which means that I am indeed ahead of my time. Indeed it’s an Aquarian characteristic to feel ‘ahead of your time’.

The Vulcans are coming!
“Aquarians are the "gawky nerdy", "absent-minded professors" or mad scientists but the charateristics that better describe them are iconoclasm, emotional "hardness", bisexual, asexual or androgynous orientation, teambuilding, innovation and perhaps some social anarchy (from behavior that shocks conservative people to a general disregard for rules).” These characteristics also describe the age we are entering right now, and one can say that Earth is going to become fully Uranian or in trekkie terms… Vulcan. Already we are seeing Uranian/Aquarian side-effects such as the re-emergence of a rejuvenated third sex that is fully adaptable to the technologically oriented Aquarian age.

It’s the Future!!
“In addition, we may see a gradual replacement of the icon of Jesus with something that is indicative of Aquarian values, such as the computer, the committee, the scientist, the group, the mind or the iconoclast.” Iconoclasm is also emerging with a vengeance, at least in Western societies and technology is booming. Cloning, artificial reproduction, genetic modification, computers, third sex/metrosexuality/male and female roles fade, globalization, space ventures, and most importantly elimination of emotion, passion and concepts of heroism and romantic love are characteristics of the Aquarian age. For me this future, despite its obvious disadvantages (panopticism, fully mediated environments, singularity) sounds so cool. That’s the kind of world I’d like to live in – I love technology, my sex is utterly confused in today’s terms, and I’m all up for the change of values. The Piscean values suck – I can understand and respect them, but it’s time we get out of the whole religious/war-like situation and embrace technology as our new religion. In true human manner we will indeed embrace technology and it will bite us in the ass so bad we will want to get rid of it. But until that happens I’ll be dead so I don’t really give a shit.

Apocalypse Now!
Of course all that will happen if we manage to miraculously survive what’s coming to us in 2012. The aliens from outer space are coming to save us, but there is a big possibility that we will kill them before they come to save us from our real enemy. And not only that, how are we going to survive the natural (and mechanical) disasters in the equinox precession period of 2004-2012? If we do, we will be for good into an Aquarian Golden Age of advanced bioetheric technology, social re-construction and advanced spiritual capabilities. The next years until 2012 are going to be a preparation for the big ‘test’ which may last up until 2160 – if humans manage to do that extra mile forward, and surpass themselves, they will be granted with the prosperous Vulcan age, if not then they will be extinct to let other life-forms advance where they have failed…

Quotes from:
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/age_of_aquarius.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/
http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/howtoobtainchart.html

a poem

DRUUUUUUUUUUUGS

Oxygen makes you old.
Water makes you up.
Salt makes you stressed.
Chocolate makes you sexual.
Bananas give you spots.
Milk makes you queasy.
Fags make you cool.
Weed makes you imaginative.
Acid changes your perspective.
E makes you shiver.
Alcohol makes you sick.
Coke makes you bitchy.
K takes you out of this world.

MRKISM//Concept Order

This will be an updated list of universal truths as I experience them through meditation, lucid dreams and trances, as well as insights revealed from inspired books.

Law of Kitsch Nihilism:
Zero: Reality is a very complicated order of zero.
Fluidity: We are the creators of our reality
Vicious Circle: We constantly go through theoptosis and theogony.
Dimensions: There are infinite dimensions times infinite definitions of dimension:

Consciousness is the ultimate dimension that perceives or creates dimensions, that infinitely intercept each other creating infinite copies of one another, while being influenced by unthinkable terms beyond consciousness. Consciousness is all and zero.

Dimensions so far:
1. Subjective dimension –consciousness perceives a dimension
2. Interceptive dimension –consciousness intercepts itself
3. Thought dimension – consciousness creates a dimension
4. Holistic dimension – consciousness is a dimension
5. Infinite dimension – each dimension is a copy of itself
6. Dimension X – consciousness is intercepted and influenced by unthinkable terms beyond it.
7. True dimension – consciousness is all
8. Nihilistic dimension – consciousness is zero

We are comprised of multiple personalities/beings.
It is a natural/compulsory process to advance ‘spiritually’
Karmic Leaps – one for all and all for one
Infinity Cells – consciousness made out of consciousness made out of consciousness.

Law of Miserabilia: Misery is embedded within our very existence.

Law of Matter:
The material human brain is finite and predictable
Our world is as real as it is fake.
Matter is a product of consciousness.

Law of Hierarchy:
We are divided into 4 categories of villagers, traders, soldiers and philosophers.
Incomplete religions will take you up to a certain level/dimension.

Tips:
Love is not an emotion, it’s a state of selflessness. (eros » sticking together » unity » selflessness)
One must always be aware of the falseness of it all.
The goal of MRKISM is emptiness, nothingness, zero.
Thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations are all convertible energy.

Miserabilia

A title that’s been hanging on a sticky for some time now… but I was waiting for the right time for it. You know, until I felt it. What is miserabilia? It is a law that governs human kind. The law of misery. See, people always strive for happiness. Why? Because they’re miserable. Do you know anybody who is REALLY, really, happy? I don’t think so. I keep having this fear that when I grow up I’ll be this miserable old man… but the truth is, 1) I’m miserable anyway and 2) I’ll always be miserable. So why be afraid? Should just accept it as a natural fact about life. Like death, there is pain, there is misery, and there is nothing you can do about it. Or is there? Why are we miserable? The list is long and infinite… where do I start?

Top20 Miserabilia
1. We are alone
2. We are alone in the universe
3. We are generally useless, meaningless.
4. We die
5. We grow old
6. We have minimum effect over our environment
7. We are dependent on our environment to survive
8. We get sick
9. We get mad
10. We get depressed
11. We don’t know anything
12. We are fucked up
13. We are dependent on others
14. We are lost
15. We kill each other
16. We hurt each other
17. Nobody understands us
18. We don’t know what we are doing
19. We are human
20. We are stupid

You may replace the ‘we are’ with ‘I am’ for more emphasis where applicable. So there you go. Can’t get any clearer than that. I don’t believe that there is anybody out there that won’t agree with at least 15 of these. In case there is a happy bunny reading this, then just go to points 15&16 and think.

Miserabilia Awareness
Religion does not apply and cannot influence the Miserabilia (MB) law. MBs run through the cortex of humanity, influencing us subtly but immensely. Humans with increased awareness of MB, may turn to narcotics, alcohol or sedatives. Others go mad and others go very very cynic. Some a combination of the above. Humans with lower awareness of MB, may experience delusions and erratic behaviour, saying bollocks like “life is beautiful” or “enjoy life” etc., whilst some are borderline wavering between the two.

Despite awareness level or not, MB affects man-kind throughout. And its existence is due to that something that we lack. Let’s try a fun inversion of the top 20 list and see what we miss: unity, universal unity, purpose, eternal life, youth, power, strength, immunity, clarity, happiness, knowledge, tranquillity, emotional strength, love, compassion, understanding, guidance, perfection, intelligence. Sounds about right, my impromptu list was good after all.

Taking control of misery
Need I say more? It’s obvious how miserable we are. Is it the need of wanting what one doesn’t have that leads us to misery? Well of course – we need more, we expect more of ourselves, from others etc, and that’s how we grow, thriving on misery. It helps us move on and on, trying to avoid it but never losing it. Miserabilia is about a moving process, a perpetuating one without ending – whereas concepts like wisdom, love, knowledge, tranquillity, all have a fatalistic/utopian outlook. Miserabilia is the driving force behind our every move. We use its power to avoid it – which is a conflicting action. If one faces one’s miserabilium, one will be granted insight into a new order of things. One will realise the inner purpose of miserabilia, and one will learn to work with it to succeed. Miserabilia doesn’t cease to be a force, an energy source, one that is with us a lot. So instead of engulfing yourself in it, use it, externalise it – and you will be granted undoubtedly new powers. Obviously one must become truly aware of the miserabilia factor in one’s life to be able to manipulate it.

REviews

The new version of LeBlog has received raving reviews!

"Today on Friday the 16th the notorious mrk renowned for the ambiguous and thought-provoking Whorella amongst other projects has unveiled the much anticipated version 2. of LeBlog. Rumours have been flying for months now, some doubted that mrk would ever be able to rise to the occasion, others were unaware of mrk's intended renovation--but all wondered what mrk would do this time.
A figure that's hard to categorise, a prolific writer, mocker, professional cynic, an artist and a student of meditation, mrk is embodiment of the post-modern ideal. However, behind the seeming randomness comes a focused intensity of interests and attack on previously unquestioned ideals. LeBlog has come to bridge the gap between mrk and his following, or dare I suggest, perhaps accentuate it? But what does the new version have to offer that the older one lacked?

The stylistic changes are welcome--LeBlog is now easier to read and more manageable. It is still highly sophisticated and challenging to the reader but LeBlog will now be more accessible to the wide public. Whilst others might welcome this a positive change, and even though I do not wish to express a personal opinion, I feel obliged to ask what brought about this change. Is mrk more will to conform? Does mrk want to be understood? Does mrk care about his readers? Why is the index to the left hand site now? What does the black hiatus in the right hand site of the page signify? Perhaps the void that mrk feels, a void he is ready to fill in by acceptance by the new readers who will finally be able to read LeBlog? I can only raise this questions without hope of answering them, for I must relief myself of urinal fluid and alas I will lose my train of thought. "

Theogony

The Astral Egg
Going through the ‘tunnel’, although it feels more like crossing a bridge over a huge loud river, I end up within the astral egg. I have already shed my skin and I can almost see in full 360º. Things are indeed very bright and beautiful here, and are very fluid. I can still make up forms of people, buildings and other things but their shape is not clearly defined, it seems to fluctuate or completely change form. Yet, despite this obscurity, my vision is much more acute. I am bewildered by the fact that no one has come to greet me as I expected. People barely turn around to look at me, although they seem to engage in socialising amongst themselves. I turn down to look at my self, but I can’t really see anything; my mind though is working extra-time so I must be alive right?

Concept Generation Realm
Suddenly the scenery changes, everything seems to have collapsed and rearranged to something completely different. My viewpoint has now become spherical, I can now look everywhere, but what am I really looking at? The landscape has become even more fluid-like and shapeless, I cannot see anybody although I can feel their presence. They’re very far away, yet I know their thoughts. They’re contemplating complex concepts and ideas and show little interest in communicating with me, and rather passively absorb any thoughts I make, as I passively accept theirs.

Universal Brain
In the distance, I can make out the only thing that seems concrete in this world, the peaks of 3 enormous mountains and a fortress on one of the peaks. Intuitively, I start moving towards them, but the distance always remains the same, it is like they are forever stuck in the horizon. I spend time contemplating like the others, trying to make sense of this world. Yet, I seem to know everything before I think it or when I think of something it already is. I watch my thoughts take form in front of me, which makes me wonder whether I have in fact migrated into my own brain, but the other presences assure me that this is not the case although they simultaneously feel the same way. I wonder whether I should return back to the egg, but my intuition urges me to reach that fortress.

The Fortress
I take one final look at the castle but instead of moving towards it, I try to pull it forwards. Soon, it’s here, or I am there. The citadel has 10 gates but only 9 are open, and entering any of the 9 gates leads to different worlds, but they all seem to be part of this thought-creating realm. Each gate clearly separates this realm into 9 different sections or concept-forms or… ideals. It’s very hard to explain this, but each ‘ideal’ world constitutes of individuals that share this ideal, but at the same time it’s them that actually generate the particular ideal. So which is the hidden ideal, closed behind that 10th gate? All the presences of this world inevitably ask this question, some having spent an eternity in concept generation. I, instead, spend time meditating in front of the closed gate, wishing it to open and let me in to its secret.

Behind the 10th Gate
Again, the opposite happens. Instead of the gate opening to let me in, it just moves behind me, or I go through it. The world behind this gate is nothing like the previous 9, here there is nothingness and I can feel no presence. I immediately return back to the outside of the fortress, thinking, was this pitch-blackness the end? My thinking process inside that void had become very limited, almost basic, perhaps it is some sort of purification room that leads to a greater realm, or perhaps it is nirvana itself. I decide to go back to take another ‘look’. Again, my senses are almost completely turned down, I can’t see, hear or feel and I can barely think. I have no idea how long I am there, but at some point I feel this very subtle push of energy whizzing by me, then another, then another. I am not alone here, more ‘people’ are in here trying to make sense of this place. This is not a typical nirvana, for I am not alone, but perhaps this is it, eternal nothingness – or the closest one can get to.

The Rotating Cave
I let myself submit to this state of almost zero, (more like minus zero) as I feel no need to go back to the realm of thoughts, until at some point I feel this flow of sound blowing at me. It is very momentary though as it soon diffuses back to nothingness. An eternity later, it comes back; again briefly as it quickly wisps by me. Eternities and eternities pass, as I start recognising this as a pulsating sound coming back in regular intervals. My complete annihilation of time allows me to perceive it as an even quicker and quicker pulse, until I finally manage to freeze it into one continuous tone. This sound in fact was coming through a hollow rotating structure whose rapid rotation had created this pulse effect.

I enter this rotating cave and forever say goodbye to my previous vision of eternity – it seems I still have a long way to go. The tunnel though appears to be never-ending, and it is becoming harder and harder to move through it. In a number of occasions I even lose the whole tunnel finding myself back into the Nirvana room, and it takes forever to retrieve the tunnel once again. I finally decide to return outside the fortress to contemplate a bit further. I watch as other presences keep going inside the 10th Gate only to quickly return back outside. Others over-rationalise and return back to the egg to live what they consider ‘normal’ lives or to enjoy the ‘fruits of their loins’. A selected few even decide to re-materialise as they believe the secret of the cave is hidden in the material world.

Cosmic Suicide
I, on the other hand, start considering nothingness. Perhaps the cave just represents a message, the message of zero. I start contemplating the fact that perhaps that rotating pulse is the remains of my own desire of reaching the end, when I had already reached it. Perhaps I need to shed everything, the candle, the string AND the flame. I start planning my own obliteration, my own cosmic suicide to finally reach the end. How? I will sacrifice my individuality to nothingness by splitting into infinite pieces of myself until there is none. And so I return to the 10th gate, one, last, time.

Home sweet home
I willingly split myself to fragments of pure newborn spirits, my flame becomes sparkles that quickly fly out through the gate back into the thought realm. And I, well, still am! But what am I when I have shed everything that had to do with who I was? All I know is that from the moment I had eradicated my own existence the rotating cave pulled me within it, and led me to a place beyond any description. A place that was finally home, yet so far away from any concept of ‘home’, I was in fact the home, and ‘I’ was habiting myself. There was no thinking but there was existence. Descartes was indeed wrong. Before I knew it, I missed the ‘me’ and ‘you’ and swiftly underwent theoptosis.

astral causality

(Summer time and the living’s not eazayyy
Summer is coming to an end. At last. Have to admit, from a mental state point of view, these holidays were much needed. I have finally started to actually live with myself. The past few years had stripped me completely from all kind of contact with my self; I had in effect, forgotten who I was. And I must say, rediscovering myself this year has been quite eventful. Frustrating to say the least. But I think I’m now reaching some sort of plateau, I’m starting to accept me the way I am – and self-acceptance is a big step. I’m not saying I have achieved it but I’m definitely closer than before. It might be a part of growing up as well, but I’m trying to cultivate this virtue – and hopefully thus, acquire the virtue of accepting others. )

Causality -» Astrality -» Pain
I’ve been reading in my SUPERCONSCIOUSNESS book, the most beautiful thing… something very similar to my THEOPTOSIS story, about how things started. First came ideas and thoughts-forms (causal plane), which in their turn created light and energy (the astral plane) which then filtered down to matter. “The astral plane is a projection of specific ideas that were conceived in the causal plane. Similarly the material universe is a projection of special forms of light and energy from the astral plane” (holograms again) It continues on to say how the astral plane is very similar to ours, but because of the absence of density of matter, it is possible for consciousness and energy to be separated into different distinct spheres. Things don’t mix there, everything is miraculously where it belongs, things are clearer lets say. Whole planets there have their own vibrational individuality. I don’t know, but for me that sounds very appealing. I would imagine being more attracted to a causal plane rather than an astral plane, but then again she is in another dimension. For me the astral plane sounds very much like Planet Markoula; I really feel a great attraction for this concept. Maybe when I do get there, I will crave for even higher planes of existence, but lets get there first and we’ll see about that later.

Passive Aggressive Personality
It is also quite obvious to me that this order of creation – causal -» astral -» physical (an oversimplification), works in a very perverted non-scale. In other words, it not only explains the process of the mega-universe, but it also explains the process of the mind; hence the individual is the mind, and the mind is the individual. This is quite a finite theory, as it has a beginning and end, but its nature to loop makes it infinite. In effect, there is no beginning or end, each plane is a product of each other, infinitely replacing one another. There’s nothing ‘out there’, it’s all ‘here’. Where? “No where”. It is just up to the mind/universe to choose its viewpoint: It may choose to be a snail the one day and an astral god the next. I could choose to be infinite reality and then become a mountain range. How? Cause it is all these things at the same time. So why hustle ourselves with spiritual/philosophical/theoretical extravaganzas, when we are god anyway? Well, remember that this process of ‘exchange’ is as active as it is passive. From a mega-universe point of view – which is more like the point of view of “the Observer” this would seem as a passive process, as passive as an innermost thought can be. Yet this thought is granted so much energy from the whole, that makes it a very active process. So again you don’t have a choice whether you will follow a certain path (spiritual, philosophical, Christian, lifestyle etc), at some point you will have to; such is the requirement of this passive-aggressive progression. [see Reflective Consciousness]

Papa don’t preach
I somehow (like to) believe that I have reached that stage in the life-course where it is my time to progress. I feel barely any attraction for this material world, something is pulling me to move away. Father always told me, since I was kid, that he felt I was much older than him, not in human years, but in life years. Perhaps it was his continuous reiteration of this, that made me always believe that I was indeed an old spirit trapped in a kid’s body. We both had had dreams and lucid visions of other worlds, pulling each other up and up to higher planes – and both saw them with a sense of melancholy and nostalgia. Although he has abandoned meditation lately, father remains the depressive-cynic he has always been, he shares with me the frustration of being in a world he has nothing in common with, the nihilism of it all, the futility. He feels repulsed by humans, he says he “can’t stand the filth and smell and pain,” and hates himself for being one of them. An InTp himself, and a Pisces – it is quite amazing how much alike we are. Has this paragraph just asserted my appreciation for daddy-poo? Woops.

INTP

Me in a nutshell: CLICK HERE
So like, yeah, the accuracy of this essay is incredible. There’s not one sentence that I completely disagree with. In fact there are only around 2-3 sentences in this essay I had to think about, the rest are just blunt “duh” facts about my personality. It’s good to know that only around 1% of the population is InTp, that would explain a lot of things… I can’t help making a comparison to the Human Categories I was talking about in the previous entry. Perhaps this 1% compromises mostly of the higher level people that is the “spiritual leaders”, or perhaps not. I can’t find a way to factually collate the two, but it is an interesting coincidence I must say…

I won’t go into the cliché of talking about the implications of this InTp thing, like “would this mean we’re robots, functioning on some kind of chaotic pattern?” or “could we introduce a social system that encapsulates all this, leading to socio-psychological harmony?” The important question is: could this mean that perhaps we have allowed ourselves to function within these boundaries, transforming us into total subordinates of our own mind?

Human Frequency pattern
Recognising and observing our very own actions and reactions within this framework is certainly a step forward… but Observation and Analysis are the very essence of my InTp personality so what the fuck? Then again, the essence of meditation is discovering your boundaries in order to surpass them. Remember those stupid circles I was making for Karmic breakthroughs? That’s what I’m talking about. Again. And lets thank CG Jung for this cool theory of his – an InTp himself… It is very obvious that human consciousness is in fact just a frequency – and a frequency can only but be a distinct pattern. Can we shift this frequency, for our own personal amusement? If we don’t then that would make us some very complicated machine, perhaps a very failed alien experiment left on earth in its own misery; a futile replicating creature that has no real purpose but to perpetuate its own fleeting kind. Perhaps that is the case – but since I have taken up the rather comical disposition that we in fact do have a soul, then YES you can shift this consciousness and go to other worlds, and meet fairies and unicorns and little green men, and break into infinite masses of light, and become eternal love and so on. Then again, whom am I kidding?

Evolution Revolution Love
See, such is the fatalistic outcome of this personality type theory – that one cannot help but succumb to the predictability and simplicity of its argument. If we accepted the fact that yes, we are robots, we work in such and such way, the following patterns apply, and these are the boundaries of our understanding and intelligence, then life would be easier right? But noooo. Life is hard. You have to work hard. You have to move on and advance. I seriously doubt it if people advance in any substantial level during their lifetime to be honest. I just wonder whether even trying to advance is futile in this patterned predictable world. But then again, perhaps the whole thing is just subject to evolution – and maybe, just maybe, these minorities of people like the InTp’s or the EnTj’s, or the ‘spiritual leaders’, represent the small mutation within the human framework that might potentially ignite an evolutionary revolution –or meltdown. My highly developed iNtuition – is aiding my superior yet Introverted function of Thinking to Perceive the most likely answer to this whole debate – Jung’s theory is in fact reinforcing everything I have been talking about this summer – another milestone towards kitsch nihilism.

THEOPTOSIS

STAGE 1: Narcissistic Self-Organisation
MRK was once just part of the cosmic sea, a molecule tightly integrated in the mega-process. With no individuality or identity he performed his daily task like all other molecules around him, and was granted a satisfaction beyond language. Suddenly, he was able to focus, not at the major picture but at his own entity. From then point he realised he was a point, time was born. Although still ambiguous as a sensation, time started making sense, thoughts started having an order, and he gradually realised how he was transcending from past to future rather than living in the present. Soon he had multiplied from a single point to a multitude of different points on the timeline. From then on, his nihilistic singularity was replaced with the company of his multiple selves, and his attention was slowly shifting from the major picture to the minor picture: the infinite reflections of his own self. These copies of himself he quickly rationalised as memories, and as these memories accumulated and swiftly multiplied, so did his perceptions solidify. Soon, he became a self-organising thought-process, able to create its own images, thoughts and concepts. He realised infinity, zero and space. He realised that the other molecules around him had an entity of their own and soon the combination of these concepts led to the creation of matter. Although matter had begun as a concept of his self-organising nature, a way to visualise things, soon he became quite accustomed to visualising rather than being. And as his surrounding molecules began to take form, he felt tremendous unity with them, as he knew that they were still part of the same thing, abiding to the concept of sticking together, or love. But as his self-image grew and grew, so did his desire to break this unity and return back to infinity. And here lies his big mistake. Instead of realising that infinity could only come about if he intensified this love until he became one with everything again, he tried to create boundaries between him and the others, breaking free from the inevitable attraction between them. He had, in fact, fallen in love with himself.

STAGE 2: Material Transmutation
The moment he killed love, matter completely engulfed him and he felt pain for the first time. He couldn’t see anything except eternal blackness, and he felt his infinite divinity flowing imprisoned within the hard reality of matter. Suddenly he saw light, but this was no ordinary light, it caused him pain instead of gratitude, and as things became clearer he saw that he not only had imprisoned himself within material mucus, but he was also imprisoned in an obscene material world. He tried to get out of these material bounds that caused him nothing but discomfort, but all he could utter were the sounds of an awful screaming creature. He realised he had lost the ability to look at the major picture and was engulfed within a world of his own imaginings, governed by rules he had created himself – indeed the only way he could retreat from the unifying nature of the mega-process was to immerse himself into a new reality where this unification would not be a requirement. He saw – through a limited view angle – other singularities within this imaginary world. Were these ugly creatures his own imaginings or were they others like him who had retreated into the same fantasy world? To his surprise, he still felt love in the environment, these creatures were capable of it, so they must have been real right? But other feelings swept into the scene as well, both negative and positive – did he manage to also fragment love into little pieces? He felt cruelty and pity for himself, feelings that were once so embedded within love they were indistinguishable, yet now they had a singularity of their own. The horror!

STAGE 3: Complete Annihilation
This new order of things he found himself in, was so much more simplified than the mega-process that it almost did not make sense. The creatures and environment of this world seemed to abide to peculiar rules, that seemed to have sprung from their own tendency to self-organise. This world was itself a self-organising universe where made up processes such as gravity and electricity ruled over matter which in itself ruled over consciousness. Real processes like love had become hidden, fragmented and subjective. The chaotic was replaced with the ordered, even perception was put under a very limiting order. And the most tragic of it all, all these creatures were aware of their own fantasy yet all insisted on its reality. MRK was different than them in one aspect, he always realised and verbalised the falseness of it all, he never once felt that this was the real thing, he could see the plasticity and translucency of matter, he could see that his body was just a package, and early on he could also fly. By the age of 8 he had already written two books, created hundreds of artworks, poetry, and was in touch with helpful beings from other dimensions. Through these creations he hoped he would give a wake-up call to all people who ignored their true nature. Human drama never concerned him, nor did human emotions, he realised how vulgar and crude were these expressions of matter and he refused to become part of it. Many lives have passed since, but still MRK is venturing in the realms of creation and expansion of his consciousness. One day he will return back, and he will be no more.

Ode to Polz

Poly
Poly you are the best
Poly you are my crest
Poly shine bright
You are never trite.
Without you I am nothing
You are everything
Poly you are me.

Meet Poly, one of my multiple personalities. Big tits, red hair. Likes to be touched. Likes to be loved. A genius undoubtedly, with a vast knowledge and practice in philosophical realms. She is the Earth Mother, water running through her veins. She is one with nature and all things beautiful and pure. She is made out of pure love and sex. She is good and caring yet strict and fair, a Goddess of fertility, wisdom and emotion. She is what I am not, she is me.

a poem

You are NOTHING
You mean NOTHING
You’re worth NOTHING
You know NOTHING
You have NOTHING

Kittenz are EVERYTHING.

Voices in my head

The Informers
From Michael Talbot’s Holographic Universe: “When the main focus of a person’s consciousness is on the material world, the frequencies of their energy field tend to be in the lower range… 250 pcs… people who are psychic or who have healing abilities have frequencies of roughly 400 pcs to 800 pcs… people who can go into trance and apparently channel other information sources through them, skip these ‘psychic’ frequencies entirely and operate in a narrow band between 800 pcs and 900 pcs. They don’t have any psychic breadth at all… they’re up there in their own field. It’s narrow. It’s pinpointed, and they are literally almost out of it.” This group of people is what I call “The Informers” and I believe to be one of them.

Chicken voices in my head
This is as exciting as frightening for me. I have had the ability to channel information since I was a child sometimes willingly and sometimes completely unconsciously. When I am inspired to create something, a work of art, a drawing, a piece of prose etc., I feel the inspiration flowing through me in a very orderly fashion, in the appearance of sequential images almost like a movie. I feel that someone is dictating this information to me, someone from a higher level, perhaps a super-me, and this dictation, although very structured and non-whimsical, cannot be explained in human terms. It is like I perceive it in a higher state of mind, and then it is filtered through the much inferior brain, that only manages to pick bits and pieces that are then further filtered into even less refined works of art etc. The scary part is that whenever I have one of these inspirational revelations, I also get sound effects that come with the images. This is no divine music or a choir of angels in the conventional way, but it sounds more like the high pitched screams of a female person, that are infinitely echoed so that it sounds like a thousand women screaming in my head. I have given a lot of names to these voices, such as “the chicken voices in my head” (from Radiohead’s Paranoid Android) and the woman, that I consider my muse since she always accompanies these inspirations, is called Sarah for various weird reasons.

When I was a child I would listen to these voices very frequently, sometimes their duration could span a whole day and they would even continue during my sleep, which led to my chronic insomnia. As a child I was very afraid of these inexplicable voices and of course I was equally afraid to tell anyone. I once told mother which she dismissed as ‘nothing’. When I was around 10, the voices stopped and I stopped creating. I don’t know which came first, but I think it was due to my own decision that I was worthless as a creator that brought the voices to an end. Soon I was convinced that they were the imaginings of a child, and completely forgot about them. 5-6 years later, I resume creation with a vengeance – I am writing prose and poetry, I paint, illustrate, sculpt and photograph – I start writing my own cosmologies, religious theories etc. Suddenly one day as I am taking pictures of a quite mediocre sculpture of a shamanic Eskimo mask I had made, Sarah also returns with a vengeance. Her voice is so intense and deafening I can barely stand on my feet, so I lie down and try to make it go away. I instantly recognise what it is and get an extensive flashback of my childhood and my experiences with it. The intense screams settled after half an hour, but the echo remained. This echo is very important as it may last for hours, and it completely distorts any external sound, making music for example, unbearable to listen to.

Obviously, I thought I was mad and if not mad, then definitely possessed by the devil, since this was no pleasant sound. Every time it would commence, I would cry and beg her to go away, but she would only leave whenever she saw fit, I had no control whatsoever. After many visits, I realised that Sarah would only emerge when I was close to making an inspirational breakthrough. When I have a very vague thought-idea-image in my head it’s like a knot tightly tied in my brain and then suddenly BAM it’s untied and opens up to release the sequence of images and ideas that I will later create – this is what I mean with inspirational breakthrough. And Sarah always seems to appear in these occasions. Thing is, she will choose to appear only in certain inspirations, and when she does appear, I now consider it a good sign, something like a ‘thumbs up’ to what I am doing.

Because of the punctuality of her appearances, that is, she only appears in these moments of creativity and not in any other random moment, I have deduced that I am not as mad as I think (maybe partly) but also perhaps partly gifted. I prefer to view it again as the sides of the same coin, I am as mad as I am gifted since they’re the same thing in the end of the day.

Super-me
Besides Sarah, I have contact with yet another ‘informer’ that I regard as my Super-Ego (see Freud). While Sarah is involved in communicating to me seemingly new images that involve inspiration and creation and reassuring me that I’m on the right path, my Super-ego communicates to me TRUTHS. He presents to me concepts which he then backs-up with evidence and facts, so clearly that there is no room for argument. These concepts I receive as pure thought-forms, so complicated and elaborate that language fails to express them. As you might have noticed in some of my trances I have difficulty explaining the concepts simply because they go beyond any language, even Greek. When the Super-Ego is presenting me with evidence and facts though, they take form of sequential moving images, something like a flashback meets David Lynch sort of thing.

The Guardians
One of the most intense communications with my Super-ego that I remembered last night, happened during meditation. I had just broken up with George at the time and as I was deeply disturbed by this break-up, it was always in the back of my head even during intense meditation. At some point I felt going into a deep state of trance and my eyes rolled up and were flickering back and forth, then a voice in my head emerged (using the world ‘voice’ very loosely) and started explaining to me the most peculiar of things. It said that sometimes when people go through intense psychological trauma (see The Mother suicides) they psychically summon a person, something like a guardian angel to come and protect them and help them through it. It went on to explain and prove with evidence and facts how I had summoned George into existence and how he was in fact central to my survival during those awful years. When his duty was over, so was our relationship, and I was adviced that now it was time to learn to stand on my own. This by no means suggests that George just materialised out of thin air or that he was a spirit of some sort, but in a way, at least metaphorically, he was.

Spinning visions
Interestingly enough, the same concept of summoning ‘guardians’ into our lives was revealed to my mother through meditation almost 6 years before I was revealed the same thing. During her meditation she had a vision (she usually sees visions/metaphors as opposed to the thought-process I receive) that she was flying through a meteor shower with enormous speed towards a huge planet. When she ‘crashed’ on the planet (which was itself covered in crystal clear water) she saw a spinning Yin & Yang disc in front of her. The disc asked her to pose a question, and she asked how she could help her son (she was worried about me at the time as I was in deep depression), the disc gave her the same answer my super-ego had given me about guardian-people and explained to her that a person she had met in her past was her own summoned guardian. She told me of her vision the next morning, which baffled me at the time since I found it to be completely irrelevant but at the same time it made complete sense to me. Did my super-ego reiterate the same concept mother had experienced so many years before? Is this some universal truth?

It is also very important to note that during my contact with my super-ego, I wasn’t a passive observer of the explanation, I was questioning everything he was saying, although instantly I would get an answer that had no room for further argument. What’s also very important is the fact that although in this encounter I was the one posing the questions, I was also the one giving the answers. It was quite clear to me that this answer-giving self was as much part of me as my question-giving self, which makes you wonder, exactly how many selves to we have after all? A further spin on the whole multiple personalities thing (see Multi-personalities.)

One might argue that this experience was just a reflex of my consciousness, a rationalisation of some sort, so that I would get over George. Well, first it didn’t help me at all get over him (I finally did 6-8 months due to a healing power called cynicism), secondly even if it was just a protective reflex, the reality it portrayed is as equally valid as its non-reality and thirdly, my super-ego tells me things quite irrelevant to my psyche – or does it? The matter is quite complicated but it boils down to the same thing again: insanity or spirituality? The line is very thin.